Or a party.
No, really. Some clown brought his dog.
On arriving at the mansion, you are greeted in the first of five huge halls by the blank gaze of a large, disheveled man. In an unnaturally flat voice he begins reading aloud from a philosophy booklet, pausing at random points in his dissertation for no discernible reason. Others congregate behind him, waiting their turn to bore you. Having never learned how to sleep standing up, you excuse yourself and flee to another chamber, only to be confronted by another group of zombies. Before reaching the third room you have adopted a proactive tack, countering the lead freak's approach with: "I'm looking for Keegan McGillicuddy. Have you seen him?"
|Earl the Squirrel's Rule #93|
In the middle of the next room a comedienne is drawing a crowd. Attendees elbow each other to get closer. Behind them are those wishing the comic were taller and had a microphone. Disguised as a Canadian, she's doing schtick about living north of the 49th Parallel.
"If you think Canadians are quiet and polite you've never been to a hockey game. We're talking about a country where 'getting lucky' means you've been transferred to Vancouver. We're talking about people who honeymoon in Fargo. If you've ever had poutines you know why they have free health care. In winter, south of the border, folks wake to 'Good Morning, America'. Canadians get up, look outside and ask: 'WTF am I doing here?'"
The dining room houses the trauma/drama crowd. Dozens stand or sit around the table, listening to detailed narratives. These are not without humor, such as when the woman working for the Census Bureau looks up from a list of occupations and asks: "WTF is a 'chicken sexer'?"
As enjoyable as the evening is, you decide to head home early. You have a few hundred zombie poems to burn.
¹ - Ever wonder why so many comedians are Canadian? Part of the answer may lie in their intonation. Linguists tell us that Americans tend to stress the first half of a sentence (e.g. "The pen is blue.") while Canadians and comics tend to punch the ends of sentences (e.g. "The pen is blue" or "Take my wife. Please!").