EtSLoP: Earl the Squirrel's Laws of Poetry

Please do not confuse this list with unofficial versions by Dennis Hammes or Peter John Ross.

1. Never say anything in a poem that you wouldn't say in a bar.
   
2. If you can't be profound be vague.
   
3. There's a difference between poetry and hebephrenia.
   
4. McNeilley Dictum #4:
   
   Cut off the last line! This will make your poem better!
   (If this doesn't work, keep cutting off the last line.)
   
5. Never discuss bad poetry with anyone who hasn't read Sh*r*n Mc*lr*y.
   
6. Poetry lies between synonyms.
   
7. The difference between self-expression and communication is poetry.
   
8. If you can't spell a word don't use it.
   
9. The fact that it's bad writing doesn't make it good poetry.
   
10. Don't emote. Evoke.
    
11. Linebreaks don't make poetry any more than stuttering does.
    
12. Try to be understood too quickly.
    
13. If it doesn't sound like poetry to a Lower Slobovian it probably isn't.
    
14. Every modern poem must contain at least one em dash abuse.
    
15. Audiences don't come to use their imaginations. They come to use yours.
    
16. To each their own taste, even those with none.
    
17. Don't use clichés. Create them.
    
18. The Egoless Motto:
    
    "If you don't think your poetry is competing against the works of others you're probably right."
    
19. Don't worry about your voice until someone is listening.
    
20. Writing is to poetry as paper is to stone.
    
21. Poetry isn't about the writer or the reader. It's about everything in between.
    
22. You aren't a poet until the janitor says you are.
    
23. The Gerard Ian Lewis Rule:
    
    Triteness is a minor flaw, easily remedied (should nothing else occur to you) by adding a mysterious reference to a goat in the last line.
    
24. The Elizabeth Alexander Rule:
    
    Poetry's only selling point is that it is cheaper than tear gas.
    
25. The fact that it's boring doesn't mean it's poetry.
    
26. We aren't stoned enough for this.
    
    (#26 is often called "The Big Bong Theory".)
    
27. The Pistols at Dawn Rule:
    
    Never compare a poet's work to Ferlinghetti's unless you're a better shot than target.
    
28. The Joan Houlihan Rule:
    
    Any poetry reading longer than 20 minutes is a hostage situation.
    
29. The merit of your words should exceed the considerable value of silence.
    
30. Poetry cannot be paraphrased.
    
31. If you cannot scan verse you cannot imagine free verse.
    
32. Poetry is a competition with judges and coaches but no performers or fans.
    
33. Poetry needs to get over itself.
    
34. Tripe details the unspeakably obvious. Poetry details the unspeakable obvious.
    
35. People don't read poetry for the same reason you don't read film scripts.
    
36. Memory is the difference between storing and misplacing.
    
    Intelligence is the difference between planting and burying.
    
37. Free versers don't count.

Earl the Squirrel's Rule #29

Click here for the pictorial slide show version of Earl Gray's Rules of poetry.

These rules have been provided here as a public service with apologies for stating the obvious. No need to thank me.


Signed,

Earl Gray